From the start of 2010, life seemed to be rather reasonable with me.
I have had many ups and downs this year. When I was younger, I could write about anything. I could share my personal stories with strangers online. I had no shame. As the years have gone on, I have been quite restricted with what I write onto a blog. Growing older, looking back at what I have been through, I’ve realised that I am a strong young girl. But there are some things that I shouldn’t share online.
I think this is the best reason as to why I haven’t blogged much over the past 3 years. I know it’s most likely a pathetic excuse. Unfortunately I’m one of the unlucky few that goes through some very difficult situations in my life. Time has gone on, and I feel quite embarrassed with some of the events that happen in my life.
Back in the day when I was 20, some of my old readers will know I had a boyfriend named Richard. I tried to blog, but he would tell me off and make me feel horrible for sharing my thoughts and stories online. He would check this website on a daily basis. At first it was harmless and he would just give me the silent treatment. In time, he would put me down and would continue to bug me to delete posts, even my website. I was quite scared, so was stuck. That relationship was awful, and sad to say the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. We did not break up because he was on my case all the time. No, he was jealous, mean, paranoid and he also fell in love with substances. Reading about my daily life, and if he wasn’t in a post. He would question everything I did. Certain that I was cheating on him. As I said, this was the worst relationship of my life. It did end for many reasons, and many of the reasons I cannot disclose on the internet.
A few months ago, my last boyfriend and I broke up. All I can say is this fucking sucked. It took me some time to recover because I was clueless to all the reasons why I wasn’t good enough. I’m at this stage in my life where I have realised that I am a good person. I have flaws, I have issues, I have baggage, I have a past, I have feelings. For some reason, many males search for that perfect woman. Trust me boys, she doesn’t fucking exist. All of us females are similar in a way. The traits we have inside our souls and minds, you can find them in any female in the world. Why do you think we are all insecure? We are not perfect, none of us are. To be frank, you’re not either. If the relationship we are in, you cannot blame one person because it doesn’t work out. It takes two to tango baby!
Yes, I’m not perfect. Something that truly ticks me off, is that quite a number of boys I have met are scared of me. I have had a very traumatic life. I’ve pulled through, I keep feeling the sunshine and face every day when I wake up in the morning. Life can be shit, but you only have one life. So why not live it! But why do past events have to affect your personality? Or even your future? One of the many things I will never understand about the man’s mind. I thought going through tough times in your life makes you a stronger and better person. Obviously not to some. Maybe I’m not meant to feel, cry, shout, laugh, scream in some people’s eyes. Not allowed to be who I’ve grown up to be at the age of 24.
I do not regret the time in my life. Life lessons are learnt, and I take the step forward. I’m awaiting 2012, to start this new chapter in my life. I am Belinda, I am me. I accept the girl I am today, yesterday and tomorrow. And if no man can accept me at my best or at my worst. Then he is not worth the time in my life. One day, the day will come when I meet that one man who will appreciate me and accept my past. And they will be excited to have me in their future.
As I write this blog, I guess I’m trying to say that I have been with held for some time because of males. Feeling ashamed of what is happening in my world. My new years resolution will be to start writing again. To start opening up when I have a strain of emotions inside of my head. Letting it out is the best thing I can do. I hope all of my readers will still be loyal to me. I love all of you, and your support is such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for being amazing.
Happy Holidays, be safe, smile, love your friends and family. And don’t change anything about yourself in the future just because someone doesn’t accept you for who you are!
Belinda xxx