Just not my month I do believe.

My Dad left today for Sydney. He really needs to be with his family. It’s a major loss in our family, and it will leave another big hole in all of our lives. He will be away until next Monday. I am home all alone until then. I wish I could’ve gone with him. But I need to be at work, I’m quite behind on design work and also someone has to feed our pets. I’ll just have to keep myself occupied until then. I have three more days of work, and then behold my weekend. I must keep busy, otherwise things will shake.

It’s hard. Oh hard. I’m very close with my family. Especially my Father’s side. They can be kooky, but they have all been there for me. Last night, I didn’t go to bed till about 3 AM. I had 2 hours sleep. My Father noticed I was still awake at 12 AM. He came into my room and we had a massive chat. It was ok. Even though I live with the man, I barely see him. We never have conversations. Which probaly sounds silly, seeing that I just mentioned that I said I’m very close with my family. I should’ve said that I’m close to them all, except my Father. I guess I’ve never forgiven him for the childhood he delivered to me, and also leaving us behind back when I was 13. The last time my Dad and I were close was when my Nana passed away four years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad. But he does intimidate me. I never seem to make him happy with any choice I make in life.

I get sick of defending my Mother in front of him, his drinking habits, his loud biker friends, his disapproval of my friends and of course the fact that he can still drink and drive. I do love him though. But he makes it hard for me to love him. Especially when he doesn’t show love towards me. Frowns upon my life, but come on he hasn’t made the best decisions in his life.

But we stayed up for 3 hours talking about the events of this year. He actually asked me if I was ok after my break up. Four months on, and now he asks me if I’m ok. He asked about my weight, wanted to know if I’m ’sick’ again. We also talked about other people who have died in our lives. Death has such an affect on you, and death is something that happens regulary in our lives. My Uncle was the third person this year to pass away. I can handle grief a lot better these days. We also went into the topic about my Father’s accident. This happened when I was seven years old, he was suppose to die. But luckily he lived. He apologised to me. Claiming that he promised to himself that he would change his ways and be the Father he should’ve been. Too bad it never happened. I don’t feel closer to him, I miss him a little, but I guess I’m mad at him. I’m 22 now, and it’s unfair for him to load this all onto me now. He should’ve been the Father I wanted/needed when I was a child. Not an adult.

My mouse Yo Yo passed away this morning.

I cut my thumb open today at work. Cutting up a stupid Mars Bar Slice. Blood all over the shop. Got to wear a glove all day and feel like Michael Jackson. Food Co has sent me a coffee test as well. I have to study it all by Saturday. It’s quite odd, because I do the entire test online. I’m sure I’ll ace it, I know coffee.

The downsides of being a small framed girl.

People hate me because I’m skinny? They might not, but I feel it. Why you wonder. Because I’ve always had weight issues. And I’m not one of those girls who hates herself so much that I deny myself a meal. I have issues because people bug me about how skinny I am all the time.

I have been skinny my entire life. I never put on weight. That’s just me. I never use to have a problem with it. Neither did my family or friends. It wasn’t till the middle years of high school when people realised that I was skinnier than all of them. Girls would watch me at school. They’d watch me at lunch time, and make cruel comments about what I ate. I soon stopped eating at school. I had breakfast, and then would pig out when I got home from school. Of course followed by one of my Mother’s famous home cooked meals. Girls can be cruel. I picked up the nickname, “Belinda Broom Stick”. I also had a girl throw an apple at my head once. She shouted, “Belinda, eat something”. Threw a whole apple at my head, which then hit me in the eye.

I don’t like eating large meals in front of people. Thanks to the mean girls of highschool, I am highly paranoid for when I eat in public. I’m thinking that people are judging me, and putting an idea in their head. The idea being that I live with an eating disorder.

It wasn’t till I was 18 that I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Now it wasn’t due to myself being paranoid by people judging my eating habits. There was a point in my life where I just didn’t want to eat. After losing Eric, my two Grandma’s and then dealing with a break up. I was feeling pretty low. There were moments when I wouldn’t eat for days. I remember I had terrible stomach pains all the time, hot flashes and nausea. After a while, anything that I tried to digest, my body would reject. I went from 56 kilos down to 41 kilos. My boyfriend at the time, his Mother was a doctor and she diagnosed me. I had to get treated. I don’t like going into it, but it was the worse thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. It was not a fun proccess.

Now I’m healthy. And I still get the comments about my size, and yes they still bug me like hell. But I must admit that it’s nice to go on in my life not having girls who beat your self esteem with a stick. I do get e-mails asking about my weight on here. I really wanted to address this. I’m healthy. I eat well, and take good care of my body. Minus the smoking and the constant drinking.

I do lose weight easily. Now you must also keep in mind that every day I have to deal with Acid Reflux. There are a lot of foods that I’m not allowed to eat. And I’m not allowed to eat large meals. Four small meals a day, and no eating 3 hours before I go to bed. I can’t eat or drink any milk products. There are a lot of fruit and vegetables I’m not allowed to eat as well due to the acid in them. Highly bad for my teeth. I have to be very careful with what I eat. I’m at high risk of osophegus cancer. And once again, I know I smoke. But the acid reflux gives me a higher risk of cancer.

But let me, let you judge me. Which picture do I look healthier in!?

I really think it’s unfair to judge someone by their height, weight, nationality, religion. Man the world is ignorant.

In other shitty news. My Uncle Johnny passed away about an hour ago. He had a heart attack. The funeral is on Wednesday, but it’s in Sydney. And I don’t think I will be able to attend because we’re short staffed at work. I’m extremely devastated right now.