I was contemplating on doing a video blog for my last post of the year. Figured it would be too difficult and I would burst into tears. Not too sure if I’d like my readers to see my real tears.2011. What a year it has been. It’s hard to look back and think what were the great events of my life. I gave up so much of my time for others, yet they just wasted it. Up and down, up and down. What I have gained and lost. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck has happen to make this year so traumatic for me.
One of the hardest things to deal with this year was being in a loveless relationship. I truly believe I fought with all of my might. So hard that I fell back into depression. I had a partner that could not deal with this side of me. He pretended that my feelings and thoughts didn’t exist. I was put down and reminded of how much of a head fuck I was. He never tried to help me, or reach out. It’s not fair to point fingers but he was the main cause of my unhappiness. On his side, I understand that he didn’t know how to react to me, treat me, speak to me, love me. No matter what he did, he just chose the selfish way for himself and would leave me out in the cold. A hypocrite at points. I had my faults, as did he. He could tell me I was wrong all the time, but never had the balls of a man to stand up to anyone else. I had to deal with some nasty people this year that bullied me. This led me to start cutting again and also starving myself for days because I just hated myself. I felt that the man I loved, thought all the same things these girls would say about me. All because he wouldn’t protect me. It broke my heart. He knew that in school I was traumatically bullied in school and suffered from an eating disorder from the age of 15 till I was 20. Suddenly I’m in the same experience, he could clearly see how much it was killing me. He did nothing. Nothing. The cries for help were always ignored. He would continue to be friends with these girls, and expect me to attend their parties and put up with their horrible words on a weekly basis.
It took me time to realise that I needed to clean my life up. To move forward I had to erase a lot of people. Not just these girls. I deleted him from my life, along with another best friend of mine. Unfortunately a break up means you do lose other great friends. But my life has moved on wonderful. Life has been brighter for me. My depression has cleared. My life is brighter. I’m surrounded by people who love me for me. They aren’t ashamed to call me their friend. I’m forever thankful to the friends I did have and gained this year because of this horrible situation. They have stood by side. My best friend has also returned home from England. She is my everything. Having her back in my life is just…well words can’t describe how happy she makes me feel. I’m crying right now while I write this *blush*. She has been a fantastic friend to me. She has never turned her back on me. Never! After everything and she will be my best friend forever. No one can ever replace her. She’s one in a million and I’m so thankful that she is my best friend. I love you Ellyn. xxx
Death seems to be in my life a lot. Sometimes I believe I’m a jinx, because I always seem to lose the most amazing people. This year marked 10 years since my childhood friend Sam ended his life. It was hard to deal with, and I still think about him every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. I still miss him as much as the day he left my world. I hope one day that our worlds can collide again. I also lost another childhood friend, dear old Oscar. Miss you sweet heart. My cousin also ended his life this year in November. Fighting a drug problem for years, it just took over and he could no longer face a daily life sober. 29 years old, so young and so sad. Not only was he my cousin, he was someone that I confided in a lot as a child. He helped me through the death of Sam. I remember chats about suicide and he would tell me that some people just can’t live their lives anymore, not for themselves but for the loved ones because they can see how much they hurt people they care about. I can close my eyes and it’s hard to picture these amazing people not in my life anymore. I will love them all forever, and eternally will be in my hearts until the day I die.
For 2012. I focus on the future of happiness. I want to smile, have fun, be surrounded by friends and family, be loved and love back. There’s not much to ask for. I just have to stay positive. Not put myself in bad situations and be proud of being myself. Ending this blog right now, I can truly say that I am happy now. It was a bumpy year, it was fucking severe wreck. I have my best friend, a great supportive family, a job I enjoy, fucking kick ass friends and a sexy pug. What more could a girl want.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2012 FUCK YEAH!