I was contemplating on doing a video blog for my last post of the year. Figured it would be too difficult and I would burst into tears. Not too sure if I’d like my readers to see my real tears.2011. What a year it has been. It’s hard to look back and think what were the great events of my life. I gave up so much of my time for others, yet they just wasted it. Up and down, up and down. What I have gained and lost. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck has happen to make this year so traumatic for me.

One of the hardest things to deal with this year was being in a loveless relationship. I truly believe I fought with all of my might. So hard that I fell back into depression. I had a partner that could not deal with this side of me. He pretended that my feelings and thoughts didn’t exist. I was put down and reminded of how much of a head fuck I was. He never tried to help me, or reach out. It’s not fair to point fingers but he was the main cause of my unhappiness. On his side, I understand that he didn’t know how to react to me, treat me, speak to me, love me. No matter what he did, he just chose the selfish way for himself and would leave me out in the cold. A hypocrite at points. I had my faults, as did he. He could tell me I was wrong all the time, but never had the balls of a man to stand up to anyone else. I had to deal with some nasty people this year that bullied me. This led me to start cutting again and also starving myself for days because I just hated myself. I felt that the man I loved, thought all the same things these girls would say about me. All because he wouldn’t protect me. It broke my heart. He knew that in school I was traumatically bullied in school and suffered from an eating disorder from the age of 15 till I was 20. Suddenly I’m in the same experience, he could clearly see how much it was killing me. He did nothing. Nothing. The cries for help were always ignored. He would continue to be friends with these girls, and expect me to attend their parties and put up with their horrible words on a weekly basis.

It took me time to realise that I needed to clean my life up. To move forward I had to erase a lot of people. Not just these girls. I deleted him from my life, along with another best friend of mine. Unfortunately a break up means you do lose other great friends. But my life has moved on wonderful. Life has been brighter for me. My depression has cleared. My life is brighter. I’m surrounded by people who love me for me. They aren’t ashamed to call me their friend. I’m forever thankful to the friends I did have and gained this year because of this horrible situation. They have stood by side. My best friend has also returned home from England. She is my everything. Having her back in my life is just…well words can’t describe how happy she makes me feel. I’m crying right now while I write this *blush*. She has been a fantastic friend to me. She has never turned her back on me. Never! After everything and she will be my best friend forever. No one can ever replace her. She’s one in a million and I’m so thankful that she is my best friend. I love you Ellyn. xxx

Death seems to be in my life a lot. Sometimes I believe I’m a jinx, because I always seem to lose the most amazing people. This year marked 10 years since my childhood friend Sam ended his life. It was hard to deal with, and I still think about him every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. I still miss him as much as the day he left my world. I hope one day that our worlds can collide again. I also lost another childhood friend, dear old Oscar. Miss you sweet heart. My cousin also ended his life this year in November. Fighting a drug problem for years, it just took over and he could no longer face a daily life sober. 29 years old, so young and so sad. Not only was he my cousin, he was someone that I confided in a lot as a child. He helped me through the death of Sam. I remember chats about suicide and he would tell me that some people just can’t live their lives anymore, not for themselves but for the loved ones because they can see how much they hurt people they care about. I can close my eyes and it’s hard to picture these amazing people not in my life anymore. I will love them all forever, and eternally will be in my hearts until the day I die.

For 2012. I focus on the future of happiness. I want to smile, have fun, be surrounded by friends and family, be loved and love back. There’s not much to ask for. I just have to stay positive. Not put myself in bad situations and be proud of being myself. Ending this blog right now, I can truly say that I am happy now. It was a bumpy year, it was fucking severe wreck. I have my best friend, a great supportive family, a job I enjoy, fucking kick ass friends and a sexy pug. What more could a girl want.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2012 FUCK YEAH!

Christmas is just a few days away. Isn’t it amazing how time just seems to fly by.I have been working a lot this holiday season, and it has been a nightmare. Everyone just turns into a monster. I’ve encountered some nasty people this year. It’s funny how people say that this is the happiest time of the year. In the back of my mind I highly doubt it. I know it can be stressful, but it’s no reason to treat people like shit. You can still use your manners and your mouth can still form a smile. You can resist the bad attitude and the verbal abuse.  Working in retail, it’s just one asshole after another. Constant bullshit.Once Christmas is over, we then have the sales. Will it ever end?I’m not being a complete Scrooge. The next few days before Christmas (apart from work) I’m occupying myself with friends. Today my sister and I are heading into the city to start our Christmas shopping. Disgusting I know. Tomorrow night I will be meeting 3 of my Twitter friends for the first time. We will be at my best friend’s (Ellyn) how drinking wine and eating Cheese. I’m really looking forward to this, as we’ve all been online friends for years.Friday night I will be drinking beer with my dear friend Alex. It will be last beers for a while because he is leaving me to move to Melbourne. I guess it gives me an excuse to travel over there next year.On Christmas eve,  Ellyn and I will be making and decorating Ginger Bread Houses. This is going to be so cute and fun. It’s one of my favourite things to do over the Festive season. What better way to do it on Christmas eve with your bestie. It’ll also be our first Christmas together since she moved back from England. Later on in the evening I’m having Christmas drinks with all of the amazing people I work with. Lots of Jesus Juice over this season, yummy!Christmas day, it’s always the same. Wake up, presents etc with my Mum and Sister. We spend Christmas lunch with my Mother’s side of the family. It’s quiet, peaceful and nice to chill out. And also eat a delicious roast beef lunch. After a simple Christmas lunch, my sister and I head over to my Father’s. This is where the party begins. Being from an Irish family there is more booze than food. Not only do I have my crazy family, we also have all of Dad’s friends from his Biker gang. It’s a riot and a half and concludes about 2-3 in the morning.This year might be a bit stressful this year, as my Dad is in a wheel chair. So he won’t be able to do much around the house. My Sister and I will be leanding our hands. Well, I should say hand. As we’ll have a drink in the other one.Have an awesome Christmas guys. x

From the start of 2010, life seemed to be rather reasonable with me.

I have had many ups and downs this year. When I was younger, I could write about anything. I could share my personal stories with strangers online. I had no shame. As the years have gone on, I have been quite restricted with what I write onto a blog. Growing older, looking back at what I have been through, I’ve realised that I am a strong young girl. But there are some things that I shouldn’t share online.

I think this is the best reason as to why I haven’t blogged much over the past 3 years. I know it’s most likely a pathetic excuse. Unfortunately I’m one of the unlucky few that goes through some very difficult situations in my life. Time has gone on, and I feel quite embarrassed with some of the events that happen in my life.

Back in the day when I was 20, some of my old readers will know I had a boyfriend named Richard. I tried to blog, but he would tell me off and make me feel horrible for sharing my thoughts and stories online. He would check this website on a daily basis. At first it was harmless and he would just give me the silent treatment. In time, he would put me down and would continue to bug me to delete posts, even my website. I was quite scared, so was stuck. That relationship was awful, and sad to say the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. We did not break up because he was on my case all the time. No, he was jealous, mean, paranoid and he also fell in love with substances. Reading about my daily life, and if he wasn’t in a post. He would question everything I did. Certain that I was cheating on him. As I said, this was the worst relationship of my life. It did end for many reasons, and many of the reasons I cannot disclose on the internet.

A few months ago, my last boyfriend and I broke up. All I can say is this fucking sucked. It took me some time to recover because I was clueless to all the reasons why I wasn’t good enough. I’m at this stage in my life where I have realised that I am a good person. I have flaws, I have issues, I have baggage, I have a past, I have feelings. For some reason, many males search for that perfect woman. Trust me boys, she doesn’t fucking exist. All of us females are similar in a way. The traits we have inside our souls and minds, you can find them in any female in the world. Why do you think we are all insecure? We are not perfect, none of us are. To be frank, you’re not either. If the relationship we are in, you cannot blame one person because it doesn’t work out. It takes two to tango baby!

Yes, I’m not perfect. Something that truly ticks me off, is that quite a number of boys I have met are scared of me. I have had a very traumatic life. I’ve pulled through, I keep feeling the sunshine and face every day when I wake up in the morning. Life can be shit, but you only have one life. So why not live it! But why do past events have to affect your personality? Or even your future? One of the many things I will never understand about the man’s mind. I thought going through tough times in your life makes you a stronger and better person. Obviously not to some. Maybe I’m not meant to feel, cry, shout, laugh, scream in some people’s eyes. Not allowed to be who I’ve grown up to be at the age of 24.

I do not regret the time in my life. Life lessons are learnt, and I take the step forward. I’m awaiting 2012, to start this new chapter in my life. I am Belinda, I am me. I accept the girl I am today, yesterday and tomorrow. And if no man can accept me at my best or at my worst. Then he is not worth the time in my life. One day, the day will come when I meet that one man who will appreciate me and accept my past. And they will be excited to have me in their future.

As I write this blog, I guess I’m trying to say that I have been with held for some time because of males. Feeling ashamed of what is happening in my world. My new years resolution will be to start writing again. To start opening up when I have a strain of emotions inside of my head. Letting it out is the best thing I can do. I hope all of my readers will still be loyal to me. I love all of you, and your support is such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for being amazing.

Happy Holidays, be safe, smile, love your friends and family. And don’t change anything about yourself in the future just because someone doesn’t accept you for who you are!

Belinda xxx

What has happened since August!?

Wouldn’t you like to know!

- I cut all of my hair off.
- My boyfriend dumped me.
- My cousin killed himself.
- My Dad was in a motor bike accident and will now be a wheel chair for some time.
- I had a pregancy scare.
- I learnt who my real friends are, oh and I’m a slut.
- I just had 4 teeth extracted. I’m in fucking agony.

Life is pretty fucking peachy right now!