Over the last few months. I’ve had a lot of bumps in my road in life. I guess the hardest thing to deal with is learning to live Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed last year. I’ve been trying to overcome this every day. It has been hard to grasp onto my current scenarios in life. Up and down, up and down. I’ve been getting help. The hardest part is learning who my real friends are. The mood swings are hard to control. A lot of friends, I just don’t want to be around anymore. They can’t accept who I am, then why be around people who don’t support you 100%. So yes, I have lost friends in the process, but it’s not a big loss. I’ve gained true friendships. Friendships for life, because I know these people will have my back forever.
I guess it’s shocking to some people because it’s a mental health issue. I am a normal human being. I just react easier, I feel a lot harder, I cry and cannot stop. It’s hard for me to word how I feel. I cannot predict what mood I’ll be in. Hey, I can’t predict how I’ll be feeling in an hour. I’m learning to adjust my life and live with this. All I want is to be on the road for recovery. A lot of my friends say I’m doing a lot better and can see the change. I have changed in the past six months. It’s nice to hear from loved ones who tell me how proud they are of me.
This is a main reason as to why I haven’t been blogging. I was ashamed. Now I’ve realised, it’s who I am. I cannot help who I’ve grown to be. I wanted to share this with all of you. Learning also that it’s quite a common disorder, so I’m now alone in the world. At times, especially at the start. That’s how I felt. I felt really alone. For me to mend though I do need to be alone. Become more independent. To stop relying on others to make myself happy. Only I can do this, and I will. I don’t trust many people anymore. I don’t open up as I use to. Blogging will help me, writing will help me. Just to let those negative moods out will make an improvement. No more bottling emotions up.
I’ve posted a song and lyrics below called The Conversation by a band called Motion City Soundtrack. This is a song that has helped me a lot through the past six months. I hear a relevance to what I’m feeling inside and what I’m dealing with in my daily life. It also reminds me a bit of my last breakup from ex boyfriend. I am feeling a lot happier these days. I’m proud of myself and I hope I can reach out to others who deal with severe depression.
Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights…
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor…
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.
I can’t explain…
I need to be alone.
I know the timing isn’t great
But these things, you just can’t plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
‘Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I’m too tired to pretend it doesn’t hurt
To be left out
I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I’m crazy or confused?
Don’t ever change
The way you are
I’ve never loved anyone more.